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She was still angry. Both at Wilton and at herself. At Wilton, for his stubborn refusal to abandon his families old-fashioned idea. At herself, for letting him get away with it for so long.“I don’t even care if he never married me, Sparkle.” She said to her mare as she gently stroked it. “I know his family would never approve of me. I only wish that he’d give me what I need.”Jane knew that Wilton was a virgin, he had told her that. He never asked her if she was, it wasn’t the sort of question a gentleman asked. If he had, she wondered if she would give him the answer he expected, or the truth. She’d had her first man when she was 16. It was a totally forgettable experience, but it had gotten her out of her home back east. For the use of her body, the man had gotten her as far as St. Louis. From there, it was easy to find men willing to take her further.A few of the men had been memorable, but she had always felt something had been missing. No man would deny she was attractive, but. ‘I’m beginning to verbalize my thoughts more easily now that we are physically together again, here with only you and me. No Bob and no Jennifer in here with us in person at least. I have violated my promise to you. I fucked another woman. I enjoyed it at the time. Now I’m ashamed of myself. My personal integrity has been cracked permanently. I am no longer the man I wanted to be. I am just another cheater. Yes, I know, you agreed to my fucking her and I agreed to your fucking Bob. That is not he point. Our sacred vows of fidelity didn’t agree to this. My mind agreed but my soul never agreed. Somehow, my soul just went to sleep on me last night. I feel so guilty for enjoying her body. My self image is broken. How could I have ever agreed and even wanted it. I am so terribly disappointed in myself. I have crushed my own soul and integrity. Janet, I am so sorry. I don’t want your forgiveness. I don’t need your words of understanding. I can neither understand nor forgive my self. I have.
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